An interesting thing happened today which I feel has sparked a way to look at sexual ethics for me. Up until this point I had been focusing on how to talk about Abortion, Pornography, Prostitution, etc., but then something happened today that turned my head to a new light.
I am seeing a Mexican, 25. He and I often share many stories of cultural differences between Canada/America and Mexico. It often surprises me how different our cultures are regarding propriety, acceptability and cultural values seeing as how we share the same continent. His sister, Monica, is 28 and has just graduated with Honours from University in Ottawa, has her own place and a very good standing job with the government. She has made her parents very proud and has expressed their happiness at the bright future she has ahead of her. That is until Monica brought home her 37year old divorcee with 2 pre teen children boyfriend. In addition, Monica has told her parents that she and her boyfriend are going to Thailand to live and adopt children. Her parents, while supportive of her happiness, are incredibly unsupportive of her choice in partner and in her decision to not have a traditional lifestyle.
According to my partner, Mexican culture is not accustomed to a partnership like the one Monica is seeking. The 9 year age gap is not as much of a concern as that he apparently looks older than his age. This may lead people to believe that he is older than 37 and therefore is taking advantage of Monica's youth, or that she will obtain the reputation of a gold digger. His being a divorcee does not sit well with her Catholic parents, nor do his 2 pre-teen children, who would be only 16 years younger than Monica. When Monica informed her traditionalist parents that she is not interested in having her own biological children, but wanted to adopt Thai babies instead, they were apparently quite upset. Again I was told that the Mexican culture values large biological families and predominantly Catholic values.
As I sat there with a look of "so what?" on my face, it made me think about cultural values. Why is it that his culture frowns upon something that mine does not really think about? Or does my culture frown upon that type of relationship and I didn't notice? Sitting here right now, I don't know if I can answer that. I certainly can't seem to find any theories to ground my thoughts in, but I am interested in thinking out loud what I think about the aforementioned questions.
What struck me harder than the parents disapproval of Monica and her older boyfriend, was their acceptance of my relationship with their son (I am 5 years his senior). Apparently because I am in University and do not look my age, I carry wisdom and maturity that can help my partner, our relationship is acceptable. Can't Monica's partner do the same for her? This confuses me greatly because is not mine and my partner's relationship more off the beaten path of acceptability than Monica's? I suppose all cultures have different levels of acceptability. Arturo (my partner) being male means he is afforded more leniency in his relationships than Monica, even though she is the elder sibling. I assume that me never being married and having no children is more acceptable than a good father who married too young (this is what Monica has said happened with her beau).
This story linked my thoughts back to the reading we did on antinomies in sexuality. There exists such contradictions and a high level of hypocrisy in our society. The double standard is the largest one I can think of. Promiscuous men are revered and looked up to, whereas promiscuous women are thought to be dirty, loose and undesirable. Also in Sexual Antinomies in Late Modernity (by Jackson and Scott, 2004) was the discussion of how sexuality is everywhere in the media (which is obviously supported by society on some level or else it would not exist) and yet society is afraid of sexualizing its children too fast. Parents are torn between wanting to educate their children about sexuality but not so much that they will be encouraging sexual activity. In my own experience, having parents who openly talked about sex and how to be responsible took the excitement out of it as a teen. My mother was always talking about things like that candidly (as a nurse I suppose she was more comfortable with the topic) and I don't ever remember her telling me not to have sex, but that it was something I was allowed to wait to do until it felt right. She always stressed the importance of my being ready and how it is a great responsibility. I was taught about birth control and learned all about anatomy and such in my early teens. I think all this attention paid to the topic took the proverbial fun out of it. Part of why people are experimenting younger and younger with sex, I think, is because they are being told it's naughty or they are not ready and I believe that no teen wants to be told what they can and cannot do (regardless of how right their parents might be). In my opinion, people seem to be so afraid of everything nowadays and it saddens me greatly because I feel that children are not being allowed the same freedoms that I was when I was a child. Although (according to SMF 206) the concept of childhood was only created in the early 1900s, I remember a care free childhood where you could play on the streets and go for unsupervised bike rides and not have to worry about sexual predators, pedophiles and kidnappers.
I think what Jackson and Scott had to say about the pressures of sex was really interesting as well. They say that there is such pressure for "perfect sex". Men are pressured to perform and women are pressured to orgasm and if there was ever a case of non satisfaction sexually it is akin to failing at life. Most people can ask for help if they do not know how to do something (perhaps for example, change a tire), yet asking for sexual help is such a negative thing. Jackson and Scott mention how even though it has been agreed that sex is a learned activity, there is a huge emphasis on being good at it right away. I often hear women giggle about how good or useless this man was in bed and how that seems to affect their worthiness as a life partner. I said before in my previous postings that I don't see myself changing my values and beliefs on sex, yet for this I can make an exception. A few years ago, and I am not sure why or how, I decided that I don't believe someone is a bad lover. I believe that people are either compatible or not compatible. Because sex is something that can be learned and worked on, I don't believe that a person is doomed to be a bad lover. I think that there is someone sexually compatible for everyone.
Having never really taken a good look at all the hypocrisy and contradictions in the world and in our society, I really wonder how we ever get anything done and how anything is ever considered acceptable. With all the pressures out there to meet cultural standards as a person and acceptable mate, to teaching your kids (but not too much) to being the perfect lover it is a wonder we as humans want to have sex at all.
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